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We’re back! For the sweet few friends who have asked me if I still have my blog, yes I do. Have I been writing or attempting to keep it up? Not at all. This post below that I wrote back in May explains a little bit of the temporary abandonment of this project, but I’m back and I hope to continue to be back, at least once a month for now to keep building this. This may not be your typical full blog that sees a post every week, but for myself I am trying; and I figure one a month equals about twelve a year and that’s twelve more than zero, so it seems like a fair and realistic goal. Anywho, it’s interesting to reflect on where I was while writing this post. I've got more to share that I’ve learned through this recent season of life and some stuff that is still so fully up in the air, but below is the beginning and if there’s one thing I know, beginnings are always a good place to start.
Written May 25, 2021
I’m sitting here in Kauai looking out over tropical paradise. The last time I was here I was nine and a lot has changed since then, it has me feeling nostalgic. It makes me want to take stock of life not because I’m on a mountain top, but because the last six months have felt like the complete opposite and this is my chance, on this trip, to attempt to pull myself together and out of that hole.
This morning I read a quote from Oswald Chambers, “Sincerity means that the appearance and the reality are exactly the same”. Ooof. That hits me right where it hurts. If you’ve looked at my social media or the attempted start of this blog there’s not much to mention I’ve “been in the woods”. It showcases a lot of the times I've come through and out the other side into bright clarity and understanding, but not a lot of the murky, dark, confusing paths I’m currently on. That’s because I once heard a writer say you should not write about the woods until you’re out of them and that makes sense. The journey isn’t over, the wisdom and maturity hasn’t come through for me in this situation, yet I feel so strongly I needed to plop down right here this morning and tell you everything. Tell you not how dark it’s been, but how grey. Do you ever feel that? It’s not dark, you've got good points of light coming in, but not enough to make it bright, everything is just grey. As someone who usually thrives off of life with joy, excitement and waking to find each day a present to unwrap these past few “grey months” so to speak have stretched me to my limits.
I guess if I think about it, I see some of what has brought me here. I way over committed myself to not only my full time job, but another additional job in the office, plus teaching as a college professor for the first time. A BIG case of burnout. A very frustrating case of debilitating headaches that have kept me in bed most of the day for weeks on end (only to get up and get to work to burn out more). Faith that has felt so empty. No matter what book, podcast or devotional I encounter or the time I spend hovering over my bible searching for God, He’s been pretty silent. All the joy, inspiration and hope I usually operate off of is pretty much absent. This has trickled down to my relationships where my patience and kindness has hit an all time low and been replaced with jealousy and bitterness about times I have felt overlooked.
Not a pretty instagram picture for sure. I've sat here on the first three days of my vacation praying for God to rest my soul and body and give me some sort of buoy to cling to, to climb on and out of this greyness that has overwhelmed me. I’m starting to see small hopes, like being able to write this blog. I haven’t had anything I’ve wanted to write about or even the desire to write since I even started this blog.
This is not meant to be a sob story, that is not my intention in writing this all down. This is more of my flag in the sand, a marker to tell myself and everyone around me the honest story. In the words of Chambers, an opportunity to speak (or rather write) with some sincerity to match the appearance with reality.
It’s where I’ve been the last few months and if there’s one thing I can be certain of it’s that I am not the only one. We’ve all been here, especially in the last year of COVID. Hard places, painful places, exhausing places. While this is where we’ve all been, the other thing I can be certain of is it’s not where we’re going. To be honest again, I have little idea of “where I'm going” is exactly. I hope it’s a place full of some healing, a bit of joy back and passion for life - color. Kindness, patience for those around me.
Some of these things might come back with a little rest or some of it might come with some larger life changes this has all been pointing me to. Either way I’m going to keep walking, I’m going to keep praying, I’m going to keep searching for the things worthwhile to seek and showing up to try my best because I know that’s what this life is all about. It’s what God calls us to, to not give up, to keep knocking and seeking and whether here or there, now or later, this life or next the marker I’m determined to plant firmly in this ground is a reminder that fullness can and will be found.
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